Some Excerpts:

HARLOW: You must pay the rent!

BETHANY: I can’t pay the rent!

HARLOW: But you must pay the rent!

BETHANY: But I can’t pay the rent!

HARLOW: This isn’t getting us anywhere.

BETHANY: But I can’t pay the rent!

HARLOW: Enough! You can’t pay the rent! I get it! They get it. We all get it.

BETHANY: Then you’ll leave and never darken our door again?

HARLOW: Now where would be the fun in that?

BETHANY: It’s fun for you to constantly harass my sister and I for the rent money when you know we can’t pay you.

HARLOW: Everybody needs a hobby and squeezing water from rocks is one of my favorite past times.

BETHANY: But Mr. Hovelmonger …

HARLOW: Mr. Hovelmonger? So formal. I mean we have known each other since we were children.

BETHANY: Even when we were kids you made us call you Mr. Hovelmonger.

HARLOW: I like the sound of it actually.

BETHANY: Before he died my father was on his way to your office with the final mortgage payment.

HARLOW: Ahh, but the final check was never found, was it Bethany. Now I’ve been forced to foreclose and now you owe me rent.

BETHANY: I … I can’t understand what happened.

HARLOW: (Aside.) I can. The old man did make the final payment but he died before he could tell anybody. I’ve been holding onto his check collecting money from his idiot daughters ever since.

EMMA: (Entering.) Mr. Hovelmonger … Mr. Hovelmonger …

HARLOW: (Yelling.) What!!!

EMMA: Owww. Loud, very loud, oww.

HARLOW: You’re interrupting me. What did I tell you about interrupting me?

EMMA: I’m sorry, darling, but …

HARLOW: (Pulling Emma toward a corner.) Let's you and I chat, shall we? (To Bethany.) I need to have a quick chat with my … assistant. Could you excuse us for a moment?

BETHANY: I do have some cookies to attend to. You have your chat and I’ll be right back. (Bethany exits.)

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HARLOW: I’ll keep that in mind. Now then, Bethany, if you lose our friendly little wager … If you aren’t able to stay silent for one week you will become my wife.

EMMA & BETHANY: Your what?

HARLOW: Did I stutter? (Aside.) Seriously, I didn’t stutter did I?

BETHANY: This … this must be some cruel joke.

HARLOW: Not at all. I’ve reached the point of my life where I should really settle down and start a family.

EMMA: I’ve been telling you that for over a year now you …

HARLOW: And now I’m ready! I’ve chosen you Bethany because you are a kind and wonderful girl and I’ve loved you from afar for lo’ these many years.

EMMA: Oh, this is too much! (Emma charges Harlow and pushes him into a corner.) Excuse us, Miss Angel, but Mr. Hovelmonger and I need to have a few words. (To Harlow.) And if she’s lucky she won’t hear any of these words because I don’t like using this kind of language in front of ladies.

BETHANY: (Crosses to the opposite corner. Aside.) This is very confusing. Harlow Hovelmoner has never expressed any interest in me whatsoever. Well, with the exception of mocking me, ridiculing me, and being mean to me at every given opportunity. Why would he suddenly express an interest in marrying me? (Lilith enters and sees Bethany in her corner silently gazing into space. In the other corner she sees Harlow and Emma having a staring contest.)

LILITH: (Aside.) This is interesting. I know I shouldn’t care what is going on here but morbid curiosity demands I find out. (Lilith crosses over to Bethany and taps her shoulder. Bethany startles and grabs Lilith by the shoulders.)

BETHANY: I don’t want to marry him! He’s evil and mean and … and gross!

LILITH: What are you talking about? (Bethany explains the bet to Lilith in hushed tones.)

HARLOW: Are you going say something, or are you going to try to stare me to death?

EMMA: If I could stare you to death I would, but I can’t so I won’t.

HARLOW: Then are we done here?

EMMA: Not even close! What do you mean you want her as your wife? I thought you were going to marry me.

HARLOW: What’s your point?

EMMA: My point is that you just asked her to marry you!

HARLOW: I remember. I was here when I said it.

EMMA: What about me?

HARLOW: I’m going to marry you just like I promised.

EMMA: I realize you don’t pay much attention to what’s legal and what’s illegal but I gotta tell ya Harlow … You can’t marry both of us!

HARLOW: I can if I marry you one at a time.

EMMA: Why her? What’s she got that I don’t?

HARLOW: A house and an inheritance and by the time I’m finished with her I’ll have both.

LILITH: So if you lose the bet you have to marry him. (Bethany finishes her story to Lilith.)

BETHANY: Yes. What should I do?

LILITH: Take the bet!